Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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