she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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