he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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