Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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