hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Randomize
