you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize