So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
