Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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