he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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