I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You peed on a flamingo?!?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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