im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
