So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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