Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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