Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
