Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
