You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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