Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
