Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
