I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
