So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
