so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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