it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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