Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
