he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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