So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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