Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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