Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I supernannyed him into submission
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
