farters have to be the big spoon...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
