Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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