I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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