there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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