And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
