i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
