I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
