im drinking this country out of the recession.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
