mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
