a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
