A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
