I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
