I faked an abortion last night.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
