I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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