Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
