I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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