It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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