I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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