A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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