No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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