If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
