You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize