There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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