I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
