At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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