Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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