I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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