Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
