im six kinds of drunk right now
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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