My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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