My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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