doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
