My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
