this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
