So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
