Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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