My pussy is not your playground.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
