how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
