god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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